We all know how important it is to send children to bed feeling secure, comforted and loved. But who hasn’t run out of steam at bedtime, especially when children are pleading for “one more story”?
Little Stars Bedtime Cards offer a gentle, one-on-one bedtime ritual that both parents and children will enjoy. Intended for use with children three to six years of age, the cards were developed to give parents a way to end the day with their young children on a peaceful and affirming note.
A few years back I read a fantastic book by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate called Hold On To Your Kids. One of the choices that the authors recommend to parents of children of all ages is to ‘collect them before you direct them’. In other words, when you’ve been apart from your kids for any length of time, your first emphasis should be on connection rather than nagging about bad behavior, neglected chores, homework, etc.
For some reason, I’ve been more conscious of this little bit of wisdom of late. What’s interesting to me is how habitual my patterns are around nagging first and connection second. By the time I get home from work, my husband and the kids have been at home for an hour or two. My instant reaction when I see backpacks lying on the floor by the door and dirty dishes scattered across the counter is to get everyone in cleanup mode – and fast! And while these expectations of my boys are completely legitimate, the daily pattern that I’ve created may very well be pushing the boys away instead of drawing them close.
When I think about collecting before directing, I make it a priority to take a couple minutes with each of the kids to give them my full attention – eye contact, physical touch of some kind and some questions about what they’re interested in (asking about school, as I’ve learned is rarely a connection point). My older son is forever escaping to his room and so this ritual is more important than ever because we seem to see so little of him.
The neat thing about ‘collecting’ is that it settles me as well. Instead a starting my evening in a snit about the mess, I’m more in touch with what really matters and it helps me to take some of the irritants in stride. And while, unlike my golden doodle Lenny, the kids don’t always come running to the door to greet me, I hope this simple practice keeps them from running the other way – physically or otherwise. It’s a simple little act that helps me to hold on to my kids!
The photo on the front page of our website features our “I am brave” card. It’s no accident that it is stated in the affirmative.
The things that we tell ourselves shape who we become. I remember hearing someone say “the things you tell yourself are going to come looking for you one day”.
This is really great news if you’ve developed a habit of building on your gifts, but it sounds a bit ominous if your internal self-talk is largely focused on your deficiencies.
My sweet and talented little 5 year-old nephew is easily frustrated and has developed the habit of saying, “I can’t do it”, usually accompanied by tears and a bit of foot stomping. This is a physically gifted kid who excels in most everything that he tries and has supremely supportive and awesome parents, so it is totally mysterious as to where he gets this idea that he is incompetent at so many things.
It’s always difficult in the moment to refocus an agitated child, but what about the rest of the time. What about building in a bedtime ritual that helps your little one to remember that they “can do it”, by talking about those times when they have overcome obstacles among other things.
When we make the everyday language in our family life about gifts rather than deficiencies (and that goes for you too mom and dad), we can rest assured that when those words come looking for us down the road, they will have a positive and energizing impact on our life.
In the old days, we went to school to learn our ABC’s, but now our toddlers are expected to be competent in so many ways before they set foot into a kindergarten class. With all of this focus on the accelerated development of our children, it’s easy to get caught up in helping them to acquire new skills and knowledge while overlooking the many gifts that they already possess!
The funny thing is, we do this to ourselves as well. We adults are always striving in some way (or at least we’re ‘thinking’ about how we should be striving) and often forget to slow down and reflect on what is good and right in our lives. How about asking: What have you accomplished this past year that makes you proud? How have you developed – mentally, emotionally, spiritually and/or physically? What have you learned? Who have you come to know better? Who and how have you impacted another person for the better?
These are important questions to ask ourselves on occasion, so that we too can reflect on our own unique gifts and talents! All of this striving without reflection is exhausting and ultimately diminishing – slow it down a bit and appreciate your progress from time to time.
The same is true for our children. We all want our kids to have the confidence to be themselves and overcome the obstacles in their lives. Here’s an idea – instead of telling them that they are talented and capable and all around awesome, why not ask them questions that help them to reflect on their own goodness. What better was to embed this habit than to go first and show them that you too are doing hard things (e.g. sticking to an exercise routine and getting fit), trying to be brave (e.g. making a presentation at work) and learning to be gentle (e.g. giving feedback to a colleague).
When you lead by example in genuinely reflecting on your own gifts, your child is more likely to adopt a similar paradigm – one that focuses on gifts rather than deficits. It is a subtle but profound habit that builds confidence and positivity from the inside out.
You did it! You bought, wrapped, cooked, baked, wrote, delivered, decorated, visited, sang, drank, cleaned, recycled and spent your way through the SuperBowl/Stanley Cup/Academy Awards/Olympics of family events. Stop for a moment and congratulate yourself! You probably won’t because you have more organizing, grocery shopping, tidying, driving, and vacuming to do before the holidays are over.
Personally, I’ve always loved Christmas and the holiday season. The excessiveness of it all, however, is something that I both loathe and reinforce simultaneously. Despite my best efforts to simplify, I can still be found running around on the days leading up to Christmas looking for “just a few small [read expensive] things” to prevent stocking floppiness. It’s a very predictable and particular type of seasonal virus that infects me around the 23rd and then leaves my body mid morning on Christmas day when I see that the kids have more than they need – way more. When will I learn?
So while the time with family and friends was wonderful I’m feeling a little uneasy. I got sucked in again. Consumer culture had its way with me. So today, I start planning for next Christmas.
After reflecting a bit on my personal values I’ve decided I’m going to focus my holiday planning and gift giving efforts in 2013 on things that [1] crack us up, [2] make us feel good and [3] bring us closer together. Gag gifts like funny teeth (OK, maybe it’s just me that find those funny), video compilations, and framed photomontages all meet the criteria. In terms of “feel good” stuff, I plan to spend some time capturing what I appreciate about my loved ones and putting this into some kind of gift package. When I was about 21 years old, my parents presented giant personalized scrapbooks to my three siblings and me on Christmas day. I’m talking 4 inches high, filled with everything from my ballet report cards to little known details about my parents and grandparents! It’s one of the most meaningful and impactful presents I’ve ever received. I treasure my scrapbook and go back to it often. It’s a gift that keeps on giving 25+ years later! Finally, when it comes to those things that bring us closer together you can’t beat new experiences. We have always talked about mobilizing the whole family to go to a cabin in the woods for Christmas. Maybe 2013 will be the year!
It feels so good just to sit here envisioning a different kind of holiday – one that is more reflective of our values. And while it feels so right to me in this moment, I can see that it is going to take about 12 months to prepare my pre/teen boys for the shock of it all. Christmas 2013 is going to be about evoking positive emotions, not through stuff, but rather through shared laughter and feeling understood and appreciated.
I can feel the eye rolling from here.
Oh, December. Your child is in the seasonal concert tomorrow night at the school and needs to finish painting their papier maché candy cane prop tonight. Not to mention the cookies your other child needs to take to their class party. The supermarket lines are a nightmare, you still haven’t written any cards, and you have to put together a package for out-of-town relatives. Where’s the comfort and joy in it all? It’s time to take a deep breath—so we’ve put together a few of our favourite slow-it-down seasonal strategies for you.
Examine your expectations. Think about what the season means to you, and what will make it meaningful for you. There’s no shame (and some benefit) in scaling back. Will your family care if the house doesn’t look like those in the magazines (you know—the ones put together by a professional stylist with a big budget)? Does your family need the extra calories from all that holiday baking? Maybe your traditions don’t have to be about more work or expense for you—maybe they can be about taking an hour on the weekend to go for a walk in the snow and look at Christmas lights together. Something as simple as reading a favourite book from your childhood together every year can be a tradition your children will cherish.
Refocus your energies on time spent with family. Speaking from personal frazzled-mom experience—oh, go ahead and judge!—I relied on ready-to-slice seasonal cookie dough one year for a mom-and-kids Christmas baking project (the kind with the garish reindeer picture that emerges when the roll of dough is sliced). My kids still remember it fondly, and I like to think that their life expectancy has not been significantly shortened by the exposure to red dye #3. My kids didn’t care that it wasn’t from scratch – all they cared about was that we spent some time together doing something.
Keep some semblance of routine. When there’s so much on the go, it’s easy for kids to slide into later and later bedtimes. Don’t throw in the towel completely—aim for as much consistency as possible. Even if your kids hit a normal bedtime every other night, that will make the transition back into regular routines in January much smoother. Soothe everybody’s frayed nerves by putting aside a few minutes for a bedtime routine at the end of the day. This will give your children a chance to express any anxiety they may be feeling, and a chance for you to remind them of what wonderful little people they are.
Please share your favourite “slow-it-down” holiday strategies with us!
Wishing our friends and readers the best of the holiday season.
“Bedtime is a special time, a time of transition. It is an opportunity for closure to one day and a preparation for the next. It is a small turning point in the natural rhythm that gives structure and meaning to life. With care and patience and awareness of our children’s needs, each bedtime can be its own celebration of love and life.”
~ Barbara Coloroso, A Pocket Guide to Kids are Worth It